Walmart: The Bane of my Existence

I wrote this entry a few months ago, when I was very pregnant with Jacob. It was posted on my myspace page, so a few of you may have already read it. I just like to remind myself why I should never go there...

How I hate Walmart...let me count the ways...

Now, this definitely could have something to do with the fact that I am 9 months pregnant, wearing a stained, not-long-enough shirt that keeps riding up, toting two small children, back hurting, ankles swollen, feeling like a frazzled, frumpy, mom on the brink of insanity...BUT...I think I remember that I’ve always hated Walmart. However, in the recent past, it has managed to lure me back with smiley-face promises of super low prices and the possibility of being able to afford all the last minute stuff needed for baby number 3. So, today I ventured there...optimistic that maybe this one time I would have a fantastic shopping experience, cheerful that maybe, just maybe...I would not fall into the irritated, annoyed version of myself that has been around so much lately.

Those dreams begin to crumble the instant I pulled into the parking lot. Let me just ask out loud...is Walmart EVER not busy? Is there EVER a time when there isn’t 20 pedestrians in the crosswalk at all times? Is there EVER a time when cars aren’t blocking every aisle? Just wondering, because if so...I’ve never seen it.

So, I manage a parking space not too far from the entrance and I feel my optimism return. Maybe this will be OK after all, I think to myself. I get the girls inside without too much struggling with car seats, doors, coats, and hands, and I reach my first obstacle...the wet cart. Of course all the carts are wet from the drizzle that has been falling much of the day. So, struggling with a squirmy one-year old and a giant tummy, I manage to just spread the water around a little with my free hand and then decide that a wet butt isn’t the worst thing (she’s wearing a diaper) and put her in anyway. Of course, I’ve chosen the cart with the broken seatbelt...so the quest begins all over again with the chorus of Hannah in the background..."I want to ride in the cart...I want to take my coat off...I want a snack...can I get a special treat?..." And, to make matters worse, I feel the presence of 3 impatient people behind me, waiting to get their carts...I’m starting to get hot in my coat and the tension is rising...but I proceed forward with courage...

On to the baby aisle, where most of the things I need are waiting for me. I will stay focused...I will grab them...and I will go. Calah is already whining in the cart, bored and wanting to get out. I must make this fast, I think to myself. I find the first couple things I need without much effort and begin to make my way toward the diapers and formula...but I am stopped dead in my tracks when I realize that there are literally 35 people all crammed into the aisle I need to be in. They are there for some corporate training...all dressed nicely with their designer bags and drinking designer COFFEE, listening to some sort of baby-aisle lecture, laughing and conversing and all the while blocking EVERYTHING I need. I hate them...I start to sweat. I circle around, browsing the other items and hoping they’ll move onto the shoes or something. But they don’t...they just stand there. Luckily, the store manager comes over at that very instant and asks them what they are doing and I take the opportunity to complain that I can’t even get down the aisle. So, she makes them move...a little...and they all stand there and watch as I bend over my enormous belly to look at the formula on the very bottom shelf and then struggle to put it back when I realize it’s not what I need. I can feel what they are certainly thinking..."I wonder if she’s showered today?"..."She’s HUGE"..."Wow, she has her hands full!"..."Her shirt is too short"...OK maybe I’m paranoid, but whatever! My skin is hot and I want to run away but now I can’t because I made such a big deal about making them move! I must certainly buy something...but WHAT? I finally grab a couple things, throw them in my cart, and practially run over Hannah as I try to get out of the aisle.

At this point I have definitely reached my Walmart limit and proceed to the front of the store. But, it woudn’t be Walmart if I didn’t get stuck behind a grandpa who is pausing in front of every single aisle to make sure he doesn’t need to go down one of them. I swerve around him and finally, I reach the checkout...I pick the line with only one other person in front of me. It’s a Walmart MIRACLE, I think to myself. But then I hear the words I dread most coming from the cashier’s mouth... "price check". Somehow the lady in front of me has decided that she needs an electric blanket even though its March, and she has chosen the one with no price. SO, the wait begins. At first the kids are occupied by putting items on the belt, so I remain calm. But the minutes start to tick by and they both start getting restless. I start to feel hot again...the lady is just standing there talking about something totally unrelated...laughing...COME ON PEOPLE...what if my water breaks? AHHH!
10 minutes later, the price has been determined and THEN the lady pulls out her checkbook and 50 coupons. Ummm..you couldn’t have been writing your check this whole time? It is at this point I decide that no savings is worth the way I feel the entire time I am in Walmart. I’ll joyfully pay more for the friendly, popcorn-smelling, wide-aisled, red paradise that is Target. I love Target.

Just some of the many people shopping at my local Walmart at any given time: