I'm going to have to apologize in advance for this next blog. It is definitely coming on the heels of a very hectic and busy day. Part of me is writing it to vent, and the other part of me is writing it in the hopes that I can one day, in the distant future, look back and laugh at how insane my life used to be. Let me also say that I know that I am very blessed and that given the chance, I would not change anything. Now, having said that...
OK, seriously...will this ever end? Will there ever be a break? Will there ever again be a time when I can spend more than 2 hours by myself again without feeling guilty or having to rush home? I so miss the days when it was all about me. Whatever I wanted to do...sleep in, go to school, go to work, call in sick to work, go out with friends, go shopping, get my hair done, take a nap, watch TV, read books, have quality conversations, build great relationships with all kinds of friends, sleep completely through the night EVERY NIGHT, actually have romantic time with my husband, lay in bed all day, eat a meal slowly and actually enjoy it. I could go on forever. I guess I'm just a little burned out lately.
You know, when I just had one child, I used to think that was hard...then I had two and realized that one was pretty easy by comparison. Then, I had 3. OK, like I'm pretty sure it can't get harder than this. I just can't seem to get it together. I used to be a pretty organized person...not so much anymore. Despite the fact that I am constantly cleaning, the house is always a mess. We do laundry everyday, but the baskets are always overflowing. I rarely dress up or wear make-up anymore and what's funny is that I don't even have the energy to care. We rarely have dinner made before 6:30 PM, and I cannot even begin to tell you how sick I am of emptying/filling the dishwasher.
I'm pretty sure anyone would get stressed out in this situation, but sometimes I do think that I'm just not meant to do this. Taking care of kids full time is definitely not my greatest talent and about half the time I really think I should be doing something else. Being a woman definitely does not make you the best stay-at-home parent...and I really believe Jon would do a much better job at this. Mostly, because he has about 200% more patience than I do.
I am probably the world's most impatient person. No kidding. The other night I was going out with some friends and I had to stop at a fabric store for some double-sided tape to help fasten the shirt I was wearing to myself. Of course, there is only one kind of person who is shopping at a fabric store at 8:30PM on a Friday night and you can pretty much rest assured that in addition to having 5,000 coupons, they are probably over 80 and also writing a check. I just could not BELIEVE this woman had the nerve to go to the fabric store at the same time as me! How dare she! But this is how I think! If there is a slow driver, they are always in front of me. Now, even Hannah has started to scream things like "GO! THE LIGHT IS GREEN!!!" from the back seat. OOPS.
See that person in the way back of the never-ending, only non-express grocery line open? Yeah, that's me. The doctor running late is usually the one I'm stuck in the room waiting for, with 3 squirmy kids, germ-infested everything, and a sealed shut window that I can't jump out of.
So, you get the picture. I AM NOT PATIENT.
I also get bored very easily and do not like to play with toys. Seriously, someone should fire me.
But, for some reason, my kids still like me. They always want to be within 3 feet of my face at all times, and they still want to go with me everywhere. And I, for the life of me, cannot understand why. I'm trying really hard to enjoy this time. TRYING...REALLY REALLY HARD. Some days I kind of do and other days, I'd rather be a garbage man. Seriously. I really do think it would be WAAAYY easier.
I know there will come a time when they don't want to be around me anymore. And I'll be sad. But at least I'll have a haircut and a full night's sleep!
In an effort to be more positive about this time of my life, I've decided to add something I love about it at the end of every blog. When trying to figure out if I'm sure or positive of something, Hannah always asks if I'm "positavid"....it's a weird combination of "positive" and "constipated". So, I'll call this the Positavid of the Day. Here goes...
Positavid of the Day: I love the smell of syrup on footy pajamas.
I feel better already...
Six Years
11 years ago
5 comments:
I am SO with ya momma and I don't even have 3 kids...and I hate playing with toys too.
Hang in there - this to shall pass.
OSTA
BELIEVE Me, I know! I am sick of penises, legos and star wars, noise and armies and fighting and more! They constantly seek my approval (hmm, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree) and I just want to sit HERE and type THIS and go away from everything. I don't know how you do it with school and kids and work and marriage and I know I could never ever do it because I don't have patience unless my doctor perscribes me some.
It doesn't help to know that it'll go by fast because then you only end up feeling guilty for "feeling" this way about "them." It only amounts to the stress levels and believe me you don't want to add more tasks to your already busy life by application of makeup and shampoo (I am writing this in my pj's at 2;51pm, still have chipped nail polish on my chewed off finger nails from a few weeks ago--why bother using nail polish remover, it'll eventually come off)..and I understand..
I love playing with toys, I just don't like doing it with them, because it's never good enough (in my mind) and then I feel guilty for, yet again, "feeling this way."
HOWEVER! Your LJ at the end was perfect and I love the fact that I could just picture you sitting there typing the LJ with a smile on your face as the noise levels raise behind your back and you slowly stand up, shrug and return to the world of kiddiechaosland.
LJ: Little Joys
I applied for some more yobs at Sdrawde last week--I'm desperate and I've forgotten how to spell, like you I don't think I'm cut out for this...let's run away to an island of moms without kids.
I'm thinking of you, and know what you mean. I HATE LAUNDRY and mine, although I did it-last week-on wed..it's still all sitting in the 4 laundry baskets down in my teeny tiny basement..at least it saves me from pulling out their drawers. :)
HAng in there and try not to feel guilty (yeah, right?) I hope to help you some how.
Maybe if we swap our kids it'll be better, I know I'm far more creative with other children then I am with my own. So you take mine and I take yours and we'll return them to one another when we start to get stressed. :)
call me I've got to tell you a scary story that happened to a woman here in our town near where nesbitt grew up.
xo,
me
I'm a friend of the Littletons and Caitlin told me I should read your blog. I just read through your whole first page of blogs. :-)
I've got 2 girls - the oldest is 2yrs 8months and the youngest less than 2 months. We live in China and our second was born here. Anyway, I loved your latest blog and I can relate in so many ways. It is a funny saying, "They grow up so fast" because they do but I don't think I could handle it any other way.
My family is just in love with the Littltons and it was nice to meet you through them.
Hi there- I'm Caitlin Littleton's sister, and actually our mom pointed out your blog to me. I totally resonate with this post (and have loved reading the others as well). We have a 7-month old daughter, Lucy, and as wonderful as she is, it's probably been 7 of the hardest months of my life for me (mostly because of sleep deprivation). Anyway, I really appreciate your honesty- it's helpful to know other moms feel the same way.
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