The Beauty of Balance

Some Days are Like This...
Its probably 10 am and I'm already exhausted. I think in this picture we are in the drive-thru Starbucks line. It's probably a day that we have no plans because I've run out of creative ideas for how to entertain my little people. From the looks of it, I haven't showered or applied make-up and chances are...I'm crabby. It's definitely not Friday because those are usually fun...filled with the exciting prospect that the weekend is finally on the horizon. Nope, it's most likely a random Wednesday and the thought of two more days alone with the kiddies is definitely weighing on my mind. Poor Hannah doesn't look like she's enjoying herself either. The thing is, I'm just not good at being home all the time. I think after 4 1/2 years, I can finally admit that and not feel bad about it... Do other women feel like this, or is it just me?
Being a stay-at-home mom has always been something that I've struggled with. It's something I think I SHOULD do, but not necessarily something that I've wanted to do. Even as I write this, I feel guilty for writing it. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my children more than anything on this earth and would do anything for them...but I do believe it's possible that some people just aren't meant to be stay-at-home parents. Some days I'd even go so far as to say that this isn't meant for ANYONE! It's so challenging and mind-numbing all at once! It's easy for guys because they are never EXPECTED to be the full time parent. If they happen to be, it's an added bonus. But, as a woman, you are the childcare provider by default. I am one of the very lucky ones in that my husband contributes 110% to the household/child-rearing duties. I know I could absolutely never do it without him and its amazing to me how God knows each of our strengths and weaknesses and plans accordingly when making us a spouse.
Yes, I am grateful that I can be home with the kids and I love seeing them everyday and being there for them...BUT...I also have realized (long ago) and accepted (recently) that I can't do it every single day. It's just plain not for me. It's like you can go years without any critical thinking...no meaningful interactions with other human adults...and you're constantly living in a state of self-deprivation. Sleep...dressing up...a sense of achievement...basic hygiene...all go on the back burner for some ambiguous day in the future when you can finally get back to your life. I think the hardest part for me is not being around other people. I've always been an extrovert...drawing my energy from my interactions with those around me. Being at home day after day, month after month, year after year, I feel like I've forgotten how to relate to people...and I've forgotten what I'm good at.
All this to say that I've been feeling a great relief lately with the beginning of nursing school. So many people ask me how I'm balancing it all...the kids, work, school, marriage. The truth is, I balance it BETTER than if I were just at home all the time. I'm a much happier and an infinitely better mommy when I'm not here every waking second. Because when I am here now, I WANT to be here and I'm EXCITED to be with them, and I ENGAGE. I've found that maybe its not so bad to let someone else step in for a half day on a regular basis and bring some new energy into the house. I think I've discovered that just because I may not be the best stay-at-home parent does not mean that I am not an amazing parent.