The Disgusting Joys of Motherhood

Warning: The following post contains graphic material. Reader Discretion is Advised

Sometimes I'm amazed at the sheer amount of physical energy and stamina it takes to be a mother. Most of the time, on most days, I never stop moving. With a preschooler, a toddler, and a baby...there is no telling what may happen at any given moment. Here is a little excerpt from my life in the previous 24 hours:

Monday Night, 7pm: I arrive home from school and am greeted immediately by Hannah and Calah both running out to the car to welcome me. CUTE! I think to myself, "What an adorable little family I have!"

• And then, in an instant, everyone spontaneously combusts. All three start crying at the exact same time. So, we proceed without hesitation to the bedtime routine.


• Change Calah and Hannah into PJs while Jon feeds Jacob his bedtime bottle.


• Put both girls in the bathroom to brush their teeth (isn't it great they can do it themselves? Yeah, that's what I was thinking).


• Go into Jacob's room to put some diapers away and Hannah comes in and says that Calah has just pumped some of their bright green Kandoo kiddie soap into her mouth.


• Calah follows behind her with disgusted look on her face and proceeds to vomit her french-toast-for-dinner all over Jacob's floor and my jeans.


• I take her into the bathroom, strip off the PJs I just put on, clean her up, give her some water, and clean up the trail of vomit. I put her in new PJs and eventually, everyone is sleeping soundly.


• I spend the next two hours debating in my head if Calah threw up because of soap or because of illness and feeling anxious that she might be sick and be puking in her bed all night. (I'm weird, I know).

Tuesday Morning, 8am: The day starts like many others...I take a quick shower, get Hannah dressed, get Calah out of bed and make the girls breakfast. They want Lucky Charms and I agree because it is quick, easy, and can be eaten independently so I can focus on feeding Jacob his morning bottle.

• Calah is on her 3rd bowl and Hannah is already done and watching TV. Jacob wakes up and I run in to get him. He is soaking with drool and snot (he has a cold) so I decide to change him into his clothes before breakfast. I strip him down, change his diaper, and then suddenly have a panic attack that Calah is being quiet because she has choked on a purple horseshoe or a blue diamond.


• Put Jacob (still in diaper) on the living room floor next to Hannah and go to check on Calah who is not choking on a marshmallow, but instead has decided that it would be a good idea to poor the entire bowl of Lucky Charms all over herself.


• I spend the next 10 minutes picking sticky, soggy cereal off her PJs and cleaning milk off the floor. Then I change her into her daytime clothes and retrieve Jacob off the floor to finish getting him dressed.


• All is well as I sit in the living room with the girls, about to give Jacob his bottle. Then, a certain smell fills the air and Hannah announces that Calah "went poo-poos!". I decide that poor Jacob has waited long enough for his bottle at this point and Calah will just have to wait 10 minutes to get her diaper changed.


• Bad Move. Ever heard of a Soap Suds Enema? Yeah...well the soap from the night before had made its way through her digestive tract and produced an ENORMOUS, disgusting, green bowel movement (with corn) that traveled all the way up her back, in which she was now sticking her hands. AHHH!


• I put Jacob in his bouncy seat and instruct Hannah to give him the rest of his bottle and whisk Calah into her room to change her diaper (and clothes) yet again. It was all over her back so I couldn't really lay her down to change her diaper, and it was also all over her hands so every time I would clean something, she would touch it and I'd have to clean it again. But if I cleaned her hands first, then she would just touch it again. I couldn't win. Finally, I put her in the bathtub and rinsed her off.


• When Hannah heard the bath running, she decided she would be taking one also and proceeds to take off her clothes and get in too. Sometimes I seriously don't know why I get anyone dressed at all.


• Poor Jacob is just waiting patiently in his bouncy chair, so finally, once I get both girls bathed, I run to get him and he finally gets to finish his bottle.


• Get everyone out, get them dressed (again), and throw Calah's dirty clothes in the washing machine.


• I put everyone in the living room for playtime, go into the kitchen to start cleaning up breakfast, and hear Hannah yell "Mama, Jacob went Poo-poos!".


• AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  

This is just one day in the life of me. Actually, not even one day...all of this happened before 10 a.m. I'm tired. Really.Really. Tired.

Other things that happen when I'm not paying attention: